An estimated 20,000 Gnomes live under the sea.
Since gnomes have come out and into the world of work they have found many new employment opportunities. A spokesman from MacDonalds said, "We like to employ gnomes because they have a good sense of humour and they make the burgers look bigger!”
A Gnome goes into a bar and orders four beers. He starts drinking them, one sip each at a time, and after about a half hour he's finished all four, pays, and leaves.
The next day he returns, doing the same thing. The bartender looks at him funny, but pours the four drinks and serves them. He drinks them the same way, until he finishes all four, pays, and leaves again.
The third day, when the Gnome returns, the barkeep can't take it anymore. "If you drink the beers one at a time, they'll all be cold and won't get flat at the end. Why do you want all four at the same time?"
The Gnome explains: I have a brother in Canada, one in the UK, and one who lives in Australia. We can't get together as much as we want, so at the same time each day we all go to a bar and order a round. We drink 'em all and pretend we're all at a bar together".
The barkeeper nods and serves four beers. The Gnome continues his routine for several months and nobody else disturbs him while he finishes off the four beers.
Then one day the Gnome comes into the bar looking very sad and he only orders three beers. Silence falls. Nobody at the bar can look the poor Gnome in the eye. Finally, the barkeeper walks over to try to console him. "I'm so sorry -- do you want to talk about it? Tell us what happened".
The Gnome finishes the three beers in front of him but he can only shake his head and say... "Yes, yes 'tis a sad sad day." And he got up and walked out. The rest of the week he continued drinking only three beers and going straight home
The very next Monday, the gnome arrives at the bar smiling from ear to ear ~~ the patrons and the bartender are shocked as they watch him happily order four beers again and drink them as he had before ~~ one sip from each until they were all gone.
The barkeep is amazed to see that the Gnome is happy again so soon after his brother's death and says to him ~~ "Its so nice to see you smiling and laughing again. We haven't seen you this happy since before one of your brothers had passed away."
The Gnome says... "One of my brothers passed away? Oh Heavens No! You see -- I joined Alcoholics Anonymous last week and gave up drinking ~~ but tonight I decided to have one more drink and celebrate my oldest brother's birthday."
Little Gnome Facts
This guy owns a horse stud farm.
One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this gnome with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.' Sure enough the gnome turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the gnome replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nith horth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses teeth.
'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the gnome says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses ears.
'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the gnome and shoves his head deep inside the horse's #@!@#$%, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.
The gnome shakes his head and after he catches his breath he sputters, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'
A gnome was preparing to travel through the desert. Since the trip was probably going to take a while, he looked for a Camel merchant, but alas all the camels were already rented.
The last merchant on the block didn't have any camels either -- but he did offer to rent him a "Pack Troll" that could carry all the Gnomes supplies. The Gnome was worried about having enough water for both himself and the pack Troll and he asked the merchant if Trolls could go without water for three weeks.
"No Problem" says the Merchant. "All we need to do is get him to drink three weeks worth of water". He leads the Troll to a large water tank, where it drinks for a while, then stops.
"Hmm" says the Merchant, "I'm not certain that's enough for three weeks. We'd better make sure."
The Merchant grabs two bricks from a nearby pile, sneaks behind the Troll, and smashes them together around the Troll's nuts. The Troll shrieks, and chugs down about forty gallons of water in one gulp.
"My Word!" goggled the astonished Gnome, "isn't that painful??"
"Sometimes it is if you don't know what you're doing", replied the Merchant. "You just have to make sure you don't get your fingers caught between the bricks."
I ♥ Elwood
Standing 15-feet tall, Elwood is the world’s tallest gnome.
What Does Your Gnome Say About You?
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There was once a young gnome who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
There was a young gnome from Adace, who had balls that were constructed of brass, when he clanged them together, he could play "Stormy Weather", and lightning shot out his ass!
There once was a lady gnome from Madrass Who had a magnificent ass. Not pretty and pink as you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
"Underpants Gnomes" Political Economy
It works the same way with a lot of policy discussions. Consider virtually any problem that professional hand-wringers in the media and the academy worry about. The argument usually proceeds as follows:
There was an old gnome from Stamboul, Who soliloquised thus to his tool: You've taken my wealth, and ruined my health. And now you won't _pee_, you old fool!