Monday, January 30, 2012

Experts say having a gnome in the garden can knock $785.80 off the price of your home.

An estimated 20,000 Gnomes live under the sea.

Since gnomes have come out and into the world of work they have found many new employment opportunities. A spokesman from MacDonalds said, "We like to employ gnomes because they have a good sense of humour and they make the burgers look bigger!” 

A Gnome goes into a bar and orders four beers. He starts drinking them, one sip each at a time, and after about a half hour he's finished all four, pays, and leaves. 

The next day he returns, doing the same thing. The bartender looks at him funny, but pours the four drinks and serves them. He drinks them the same way, until he finishes all four, pays, and leaves again. 

The third day, when the Gnome returns, the barkeep can't take it anymore. "If you drink the beers one at a time, they'll all be cold and won't get flat at the end. Why do you want all four at the same time?" 

The Gnome explains: I have a brother in Canada, one in the UK, and one who lives in Australia. We can't get together as much as we want, so at the same time each day we all go to a bar and order a round. We drink 'em all and pretend we're all at a bar together". 

The barkeeper nods and serves four beers. The Gnome continues his routine for several months and nobody else disturbs him while he finishes off the four beers. 

Then one day the Gnome comes into the bar looking very sad and he only orders three beers. Silence falls. Nobody at the bar can look the poor Gnome in the eye. Finally, the barkeeper walks over to try to console him. "I'm so sorry -- do you want to talk about it? Tell us what happened". 

The Gnome finishes the three beers in front of him but he can only shake his head and say... "Yes, yes 'tis a sad sad day." And he got up and walked out. The rest of the week he continued drinking only three beers and going straight home 

The very next Monday, the gnome arrives at the bar smiling from ear to ear ~~ the patrons and the bartender are shocked as they watch him happily order four beers again and drink them as he had before ~~ one sip from each until they were all gone. 

The barkeep is amazed to see that the Gnome is happy again so soon after his brother's death and says to him ~~ "Its so nice to see you smiling and laughing again. We haven't seen you this happy since before one of your brothers had passed away." 

The Gnome says... "One of my brothers passed away? Oh Heavens No! You see -- I joined Alcoholics Anonymous last week and gave up drinking ~~ but tonight I decided to have one more drink and celebrate my oldest brother's birthday." 

At da Navy Pier watchin out fo pirates, aarrgghhhh    My Favorite Black Gnome

Gnome Management in the Garden

Click here to see Gnome Video

Little Gnome Facts

So you think you know about Gnomes and Garden Gnomes? Well did you know that The Gnomes Cricket Club of Australia is famous for playing the game of cricket while dressed like gnomes and consuming ale.

Well, here's some other Little Gnome Facts:

  • Gnomes and children under five are banned from the Royal Horticulture Society Chelsea Flower Show.
  • Christopher Plummer, better known for his portrayal of Captain von Trapp, narrated the English language version of the popular Spanish children’s cartoon “David el Gnomo” or “David the Gnome.”
  • Male gnomes can be easily identified by their red caps.
  • There are three categories of gnomes:

    1) Worker gnomes, characterized by their possession of tools such as fishing rods, shovels, or hammers
    2) Lesiure gnomes, characterized by design that emphasizes the gnome relaxing in its natural environment or most popularly by a gnome smoking a pipe.
    3) Culture Gnomes, characterized by possession of a musical instrument
  • Gnomes kiss by rubbings noses and also use nose rubbing as a greeting equivalent to human handshaking.
  • Gnomes have a life expectancy of 400 years.
  • Gnomes are peaceful creatures whose primary enemies are unkind humans who destroy the natural environment and trolls.
  • A recent lawn gnome sighting in Argentina has been viewed by nearly one million viewers on YouTube. [See News Story]
  • Gnomes love practical jokes and are notable pranksters.
  • Gnomes are exclusively nocturnal creatures. Although your lawn gnomes may be outside day in and day out, lawn gnomes are only active at night when they like to help humans with gardening and farming tasks.
  • Gnomes are sometimes placed in the rafters of barns to keep an eye on animals and feed stores.
  • In a 1998 South Park episode, lawn gnomes are portrayed as being responsible for the theft of underwear from unsuspecting citizens and are business savvy creatures.
  • “Gnomes of Zurich” is a disparaging term for Swiss bankers who are famous for their secrecy in business dealings.
  • Secrets of the Gnomes by Rein Poortvliet and Wil Huygen is considered to be the most comprehensive book about the various species, cultures, and habitats of gnomes.

Secrets of the Gnomes

This guy owns a horse stud farm. 

One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this gnome with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.' Sure enough the gnome turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the gnome replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 

'Nith horth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses eyes. 

'Nith eyth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses teeth. 

'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the gnome says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses ears. 

'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the gnome and shoves his head deep inside the horse's #@!@#$%, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. 

The gnome shakes his head and after he catches his breath he sputters, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!' 

Navy Pier, Lookin fo Beer    My Favorite Black Gnome


Gnight of the LivingGnomes

Click here to see horrific Gnome Movie

A gnome was preparing to travel through the desert. Since the trip was probably going to take a while, he looked for a Camel merchant, but alas all the camels were already rented. 

The last merchant on the block didn't have any camels either -- but he did offer to rent him a "Pack Troll" that could carry all the Gnomes supplies. The Gnome was worried about having enough water for both himself and the pack Troll and he asked the merchant if Trolls could go without water for three weeks. 

"No Problem" says the Merchant. "All we need to do is get him to drink three weeks worth of water". He leads the Troll to a large water tank, where it drinks for a while, then stops. 

"Hmm" says the Merchant, "I'm not certain that's enough for three weeks. We'd better make sure." 

The Merchant grabs two bricks from a nearby pile, sneaks behind the Troll, and smashes them together around the Troll's nuts. The Troll shrieks, and chugs down about forty gallons of water in one gulp. 

"My Word!" goggled the astonished Gnome, "isn't that painful??" 

"Sometimes it is if you don't know what you're doing", replied the Merchant. "You just have to make sure you don't get your fingers caught between the bricks." 


David The Gnome & Lovely Wife Lisa

Sammi Mankini Gnome Statue - Click to enlarge

Worlds largest garden gnome

I ♥ Elwood
Giant gnome
Standing 15-feet tall, Elwood is the world’s tallest gnome.

I be pimpin and mad flossin wit dem Gold Boots.    My Favorite Black Gnome

What Does Your Gnome Say About You?

There is a perfect Gnome for any personality!
So, you're probably wondering, “Which Gnome is right for me?”
While Gnomology is not an exact science, the following descriptions will help you decide which of these cute creatures will fit best with your personality.
Traditional Gnome - You take life seriously, but know the importance of kicking back and having fun. You're known to chatter with the birds and squirrels and sing aloud while you work or relax in the great outdoors. You find joy in the little things in life, whether it’s working in the yard, taking a few minutes to daydream, running barefoot through the grass, or laying down for an afternoon nap.
Funny Garden Gnome - You've heard of class clowns, and probably were one yourself. You now fit into a new category of "garden clowns" - a title for those who take pride in their surroundings, but can't resist pulling off a good prank whenever the opportunity arises. Your friends never know what to expect when you’re around. Your personality is best described as “cheeky.” You relish the feeling of a nice breeze on your skin.
Sports-themed Gnome - You are a sports fan though and through. You live and breathe for your favorite team. You wear team colors regardless of whether it’s Game Day and can’t get enough paraphernalia, lest anyone forget which team you back! Whether your passion lies with the NFL, NBA, NCAA or MLB - or, heck, why not one of each? - you love company alongside you as you cheer on your team. The good gnews is these Gnomes remain as loyal to the team as you do. They will remind you of your fandom during good times and bad, and, like you, will never trade their support to an opposing team.
Of course, few of us fall neatly into one category. Only by spending time with your Gnome will you truly discover the depths of his personality while learning more about your own.
And, we are happy to report, Gnomes socialize beautifully with one another. So bring home a few. They will be delighted to join your family, entertain your guests and bring smiles to your workplace.
Still not convinced, but know a Gnome would bring certain joy to a friend?
The gift of a Gnome is a great way to express your own personality while celebrating the quirky qualities of its new owner. Why blend in with the crowd? When everyone else presents a party host with a bottle of wine or a plate of brownies, you will bring memorable delight when you deliver a gift-wrapped Gnome, selected to celebrate your favorite friend’s personality. Just remember to poke holes in the box so the little guy can breathe.

Sammi Mankini Gnome Statue

2:21Click here to see horrific Gnome MovieReal Police Footage - Garden Gnomes Attack

1:35Gnome causes Terror in ArgentinaClick here to see horrific Gnome Video

There was once a young gnome who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

3:02How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

4:21Attack of the gnomes 

There was a young gnome from Adace,
who had balls that were constructed of brass,
when he clanged them together,
he could play "Stormy Weather",
and lightning shot out his ass!


There once was a lady gnome from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not pretty and pink
as you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

"Underpants Gnomes" Political Economy

The boys are due to give a presentation to voters in which they explain why the town should prevent a giant corporation (“Harbucks”) from opening next to Tweek’s Coffee, a local establishment. They encounter a group of gnomes who have been stealing underpants as part of a big plan, broken down into three phases:
Phase 1: Collect Underpants
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit
When the gnomes are pressed on the question mark and asked how, exactly, they get from underpants to profits, they don’t have a good answer.
It works the same way with a lot of policy discussions.  Consider virtually any problem that professional hand-wringers in the media and the academy worry about. The argument usually proceeds as follows:

Economics involves “thinking beyond Phase 1".  In other words, the art of economics is the art of seeing what happens in Phase 2 and whether this actually leads to Phase 3.

0:36 Gnome Tornado

There was an old gnome from Stamboul,
Who soliloquised thus to his tool:
You've taken my wealth,
and ruined my health.
And now you won't _pee_, you old fool!

Mooning Lawn Gnome

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